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Wading through concrete.

February 17, 2017

Gosh, I am so sad at the moment. The smallest things are so hard to do. Making myself do the list of jobs I have is like dragging myself through concrete. I only have to ring the physio and the hairdresser…but the thought of having to actually call, talk to real humans is difficult.

I have been having trouble remembering to do things too. Appointments, school forms, dinner.
I have forgotten more appointments in the last 6mths than I have ever done. I have paid for more missed appointment fee’s in that time too – than I have ever done. Calling the business is almost embarrassing now… as I’ve forgotten each appointment I’ve booked, Scrambling to cover my shame, writing the time on my hand, in my phone, setting reminders… and it still does not stay in my mind. Poooooof… it’s gone.
I have another {missed and re-booked} appointment at 9:45am today, which I need to leave for in 5 mins. I HAVE to leave in 5 mins.

I need to get out and put my CV and information around to schools to see if I can get work. But I can’t. Emotionally, physically. Just can’t. What if I am no good? What if no-one asks me to work ever? What if I go to a school, and they don’t ask me back? What if the last 6 years is all a total waste of time, energy and money?
I don’t put my CV out there…. cos then I will never be rejected. Easy.
But then my mind plays awful games with me. over and over. all day.
The same words are said several times a day to me…
I have shitty hair, overweight, ugly dresser, unfit, unhealthy, bad parent, a fool.

And now I need to leave this post, hit submit and go and get in the my car and drive to that appointment. If I miss this one, I will hang my head in shame and not return to that clinic.




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