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Cranky, Ranty and dumpy…

October 23, 2014

I left this overnight. To see if the dawn bought re-newed thoughts of love for myself. Nope. I also left it as I rarely say much about others. But in this one I have. I feel scared to put it “out there”, but then I think – Fuck it. I hate that I am scared of speaking out. I hate others that are afraid to speak out. It’s out there now…. and yes I still feel this way and that is okay.

3 new dwarfs? Nope just me. Plain old me.

Feeling the big feels today, yesterday and yesterday’s yesterday.

I hope it is just all pre-menstural. I hope that it is hormonal. Cos if it is not, then I am in trouble.

I am just gonna let this pour out, no clever spacing, no adjusting… I have it all swirling round my head and it needs dumping.

I feel like I am in a swirling pit of sameness. The sameness of movement, eating, watchfulness, carefulness and nothing occurring. No slimming, no loss, no feeling ‘better’, no body change – only gain. I continue to gain a little each month. Adding up to almost 6kg gained this year. Even though I have a full tracker on My Fitness Pal. Logged in days and days and days. Attention to what I eat, drink, do, steps, calories, movement, activity, exercise, gym classes. And all for abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
I bent over to clean the mirror at work yesterday, and looking back at me was a blob, in a once-thought-of-looks-nice green top, and a red face from the instant blood rush. Every bit of fat felt like it was falling toward the floor and would drag me with it. I had been to the gym yesterday morning, without time for a class, or enthusiasm to do much – but I walked fast and up and down hills for an hour. Burning good cals. I had a breakie of oats and yogurt, a smoothie after the gym, boiled eggs & roasted chicken breast and veggie sticks for lunch. Good food.
AND I still felt like a lumpy dumpy fat girl. Just like I used to look before I even began losing the baby weight I had gained when pregnant with my first {I had gained 35kg….77pounds}. I looked again like a picture of me blowing out some birthday candles when my now 10yr old was 9 months old. Big, round shouldered, heavy. A picture I used to use as my ‘before’ picture. Now it’s ‘my everyday’ picture.
Yesterdays day of good food is not my only one. Its my everyday. I avoid all sorts of things due to bloating, heartburn and overweightness. I watch others eat the food my body cannot tolerate, I am careful with making sure my day is full of veggies,fruits, water, protein etc etc etc etc etc etc…………………………… and still after months of watching/calculating/tracking….. nothing. I am still bigger then I began.
I draw up a plan. I put in rewards, I write it all out. and still nothing. just large and round and uncomfortable and and and.
I don’t weigh myself daily, but think about measurement in terms of looser clothing. Nothing. Still tight. When I do weigh, the scales go up in 300-400g at a time. I think, dodgy scales. And don’t get on them again for a few weeks. When I do though, its up another few hundred grams.
I am ready to throw in the towel. Succumb to a life of bigness. Bloating and heartburn – I will just take the tablets and ‘move on with my life’ like one Dr. told me. I am over it. It takes up too much time, too much worry, too much of me. And I still never get anywhere

I know someone who eats no veggies. No greens, no reds, no yellows, nothing. Meat and potato. Potato and meat. Will pick the veggies out of a pasta sauce and leave them at the bottom of the bowl. No water is drunk, No exercise done, No health considered.  I watch her eat, and am amazed. At how much bigger I am than her. I get different genes. I get all that. But still – my body doubles {triples?} her’s. HOW.

HOWHOWHOWHOWHOW?

I have a husband who’s working hours have always dictated my day. Cheffing and policing. Overtime, running late, shift work, night shift. And therefore due to working hours I struggle to get to the gym in the AM {my favourite and most effective time}. I am cranky that this is still what I need to put up with. I thought we had this sorted. New job, better hours. Reality hit this week. Overtime, night shift and hormones {?}. BAM.  Slammed me into a wall of hatred.

I have a bad case of thrush. Should it make me feel irritable and cranky? Who knows, but it has, it does. And I am still crushed up against that wall of hatred.

I have a family member who seems to have it all. Even the babysitting rights of grandparents, who come at the hours decreed so that a gym session is never missed, so that dinner is cooked, kids fed and bathed and ready for bed. Who leave 12 hours after they arrived. A swanky new home by the sea. A life of ease. Bitter?  Me? Yes. I am. So bitter, that family events for me are done. I will make my excuses. I cannot be there.

I have a degree 3/4 done. One that a few people have commented to others {it always gets back…} that they are worried I am not ‘cut out‘ for the job. One that I doubt myself that I am cut out for. How will I fit in at the workplace. How will I cope with the students.How will I do all the things that need to be done, attended to, attentive to needs and levels.

I have an assignment to write. One I have no idea what to do. I have to write it in the next few days. I am procrastinating. I have no love for assignment writing anymore. I am losing interest in all the academic crap.

I have a four week placement beginning on Tuesday. At a high school. In a rough area. Again the questions come at me. Will I cope, with not only the hours I need to be there, with my family at home, with the shopping, washing, living, exercise, food, carefulness, tracking, preparing, cleaning, school drop off, the drive out there, the lesson plans, the finding out if this is actually what I want to do for work. The finding out if I have wasted the last two years writing all that academic crap. The proof to the person that they are right, that I am not right for this job. That I will not live up to standards. That I am a failure at this degree much like my last one. And a failure at my pastry career. A wanderer who can’t keep at anything longer than a short while. A fucked up failure at…. at… most things.

And if I hate this potential job, have to pull out of this degree…. What then? An abyss. Of nothing. No babies to watch, no real need to stay at home, no “real” job, no skill at anything much, pity from all those I talk to about it. Certain people smug with the knowledge that they were right. Watching others extend their lives, move on, go on trips, buy things. Are happy.

And me. Just a cranky, ranty, dumpy……… and bitter person.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Plum permalink
    October 23, 2014 12:17 pm

    Sorry to read your cranky ranty dumpy post Leanne, you are not the only one to feel some of these things, I see other people eating crap and I think god I’d love to just be able to mung on a packet of crisps but no I can’t, and as I get older my body has changed and is saggier and fatter than it was, yes I don’t exercise that much anymore compared to before when I was a gym junkie but its still depressing and can sometimes consume your thoughts in a very unhealthy way. We also can’t go on fancy holidays or live in a big house closer in to the city like we’d hoped due to tight finances and crazy school fees, and we see people going interstate or overseas on fancy holidays and we could barely manage to afford to go camping for a few nights with petrol / food / accommodation etc.. its just a never ending cycle of bills and not enough income to pay them all – really sometimes life sux, and don’t even get me started on hormones, I’ve been so down grumpy and moody lately in a really gloomy place I didn’t know if I’d ever come back out but I think I have a little this week. Hope you feel better soon xx

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