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Weigh In Wednesday and other thoughts

September 28, 2012

I stayed the same this week.

Even though I have tracked each day for 9 days, even though I have exercised.

The scales just sat at the same number.

But I cannot be sad, angry, confused or even pissed off – for I know why.

Its what I didn’t put down on my tracker that made all the effort negated.

What I did was pick at too much of this and that, munched on too much choccie cake that I baked last week, too many cheesey rice snacks {cough… the whole packet… cough}, too many sugary things on one day  and many other ‘bits’ that don’t feel like they will matter at the time. But all added up together, they show.

I am not cranky at myself, just slowly becoming more and more aware of how much little bits of  ‘crap’ I do eat – and exactly as I said a sentence ago – ‘don’t feel like they will matter at the time….’

I really need to stop allowing/ convincing myself that this is an okay way to eat, for it is not doing my body any good, nor is it teaching my children a healthy way of eating. In actual fact I am doing exactly what I dislike about my mum’s eating habits. I am repeating them – and I don’t want that. It’s time I admit it.

~

I struggle with mixed feelings, swinging emotions and others opinions between a life of cutting all crappy food out for good – forever, and a living a life where allowing small treats everyday is okay and adjusting my ideals on weight, weight loss and body shape and size. I read plenty of blogs about allowing, understanding, acceptance – and then I read plenty of blogs about what is best to eat and not okay to eat and cutting out  completely. Some days I feel strongly one way, other days I swing wildly opposite, most days I just dont know.

I am not sure where I stand on this yet, but I have that spidery sense that my view point {for myself} is slowly developing and I hope I will eventually settle into a rhythm that works best for me. In writing this blog I know I have a better understanding of how I ‘like’ myself to be, how I function best, when I feel happiest and what I could or should or need to do to get there.

I put every effort in and got to my goal weight at WW in 2009, and from that experience I know that to get back down to that goal weight in the next 12mths, I need to cut every bit of sugary, fatty crap out. Take all my own food everywhere and generally miss out on drinking alcohol and eating at parties and gatherings. I also know that to keep that weight gone I cant go back to eating the way I was before {or as I am now}, it really has to be a total lifestyle change…. as when I do I gain the weight back.

This is where I find myself now.

The bit I struggle with is… that I know I should do that… and I know I could do that…..

But do I want to? Do I want to give up everything again? As I like the things I eat, I love the taste of cake and chocolate, and I don’t want to miss out on what everyone else enjoys! Why do I have to be the one who goes without, why do I have to be the one that these foods affect my body so visually, why do I have to be the one who has to work so fucking hard at weight loss, Why do I have give it all up? Or is this just a selfish, foot stampin’ tantrum talking?

I know I like these foods, but I don’t like the way the make me feel and look.

This is where this sentence comes back in…. “I struggle with mixed feelings, swinging emotions and others opinions between a life of cutting all crappy food out for good – forever, and a living a life where allowing small treats everyday is okay and adjusting my ideals on weight, weight loss and body shape and size”

I really don’t know which way to ‘swing’.

When I sit at WW hearing others weight loss, and achievements I am jealous of their commitment and their ability to balance. When I sit at a table full of a plates of goodies fat/sugary laden foods I am jealous that others can eat without agonising over if they have one or two {bites/helpings} – if it will affect their whole week – if it will negate all exercising efforts.

Me  – I feel like I am stuck in no-mans land… I want to be like everyone else. And am pissy when I am unable to be like any of them.

~

So I know the answer lies in being myself, forging my own way, my own ‘lifestyle’ – one that works best for me. But what? which part of the ‘swing’?

I would like it to be on good middle ground, perhaps leaning towards the cutting out stuff end, I would like to work on accepting my ‘dietary restrictions’ for what they are and how they affect my body {not only visually but physically too – ie foods that give me rotten heartburn}. Tonot stress that I can’t have “those” foods and to learn to really enjoy the foods that I can have. To carry on exercising for it makes me feel good, to buy clothes that suit this body shape I have and not look longingly at others bodies that I will never have – due to genetics, love of food and a want of balance rather than extremes.

It certainly is not an easy path of weight loss/maintenance, but I am glad I am still on it. I am glad to not be gaining steadily ignoring the tightness of clothes and the nagging thoughts coming from my conscious. I am glad that I am learning what makes me happiest, and how I want to live my life. I am glad that I can accept what I am doing wrong and know how to change it.

 

 

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. bubblymel permalink
    September 28, 2012 10:03 am

    I think you have hit the nail on the head! I think I have been agonising over the same things! Except I haven’t been going to the gym, which I know I will feel better when I go, but it’s the actual getting out the door! I always seem to feel at a loss when I change back to counting calories, the same feeling as you of “Why can’t I eat those foods!”. Generally I am happy but I know I’ll be happier 5-10kg lighter. Alas I am the same as you if I want to get to my goal weight (which is currently 16 kg away) I basically have to eat nothing exciting and no alcohol or treats! It makes me wonder if I actually would be happy at that goal weight! I like being curvy, so would being at 60kg actually be my ideal weight?? Anyway I think you look great if that is any consolation! You are always an inspiration to me! I only wish I lived closer so we could go for walks/runs together! Miss you and keep on keeping on! I know you’ll make the right decesion for you, you always do! xx

  2. September 28, 2012 12:33 pm

    I miss you too!!

    and now I am crying – thanks for the lovely words….

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