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Awake again.

February 27, 2012

I am awake again at stupid o’clock. This time rather than huffing and sighing, tossing and turning I just got up, and am busily typing out all the flotsam whizzing round my noggin at 4am.

Its now 5.13am, and I have just typed up a resignation letter.

Sigh…..

Its done.

No more wondering if I should do it, how I will do it, when will I do it, should I…. should I…. could I…. will we be ok…. should I????????

It’s done, and will be sent first thing.

Its been building for a while, and I have talked the words many times each week to friends and family, I am sure they are over hearing it. Its time for me to get on with it and finish up.

~~~

Other thoughts that swirl at 4am…

I burnt a lot of calories this week – 3100 according to my watch.

But I ate too much sugar. Which negates me losing any weight. Which makes me frustrated beyond words.

(source)

The sugar train has me sitting strapped to it, and its hurtling along. Its been like this since last weekend. Splurges like fancy lunches with too much rich but tasty food, and a dessert choc-a-bloc full of sugar.

Also….

mainly so……

embarrassingly so….

definately so…….

I stupidly bought 5 bags of lollies to put into a container to take with us on the bus trip on the weekend. Which I {and the kids….gulp} consumed 1/3 of on the friday night. Then I forgot to take them on the bus trip, then I ate the rest when I got home…. well I figured I had blown it by then anyway… why stop now.

Crazy.

And this is how my thought process went: i’m getting me a treat for working so hard this week on my weight loss/exercise. lollies. yes thats what i feel like. yum. but which one. i love them all, cant have them all, but want to have a try of each one. i know i will buy lots of different bags, try a few outta each and then container them up for the bus trip tomorrow.

CRAZY!!!

It sounds so stupid written out. The stupid rationale I used to be able to get a fix of lollies. And to give myself a ‘treat’ after working so hard on weight loss???

I know, you dont even need to roll your eyes…. cos mine are spinning round and round. Over and over. 🙄 How dumb can I be?

Lollies are my cryptonite. {wait I need to google that….} yep I’m right…. they are my Kryptonite.

I cannot eat them like I used to. Unless of course, I want to be like I used to. I cannot continue to buy them, and cannot use lame excuses like degustation lunches at one of the finest restaurants in McLaren Vale….as a reason to supply a bowl full of lollies, that no one else really wanted or needed or perhaps even thought about. I see now with clarity it was my own stupid need greed.

Sugar has been the recurring main reason for my lack of weight loss for years. It makes me go a bit silly, stresses me out, makes me feel bad, have bad skin, migraines, headaches and gives me depression – whether from it or the consuming of too much of it I dont know.

Wow, and with all those symptoms… why to I want to eat the stuff.

Cos I love it 😦

Its something I work on daily. Consuming less sugar. And this is what has been causing me stress for the week. I spent a week consuming something{s} full of sugar each day. It was like I needed it so so badly.

Having just sidetracked and googled ‘addicted to sugar’ I now see how many self-helpbooks that are out there on ‘kicking’ this habit. Many are likening it to an addiction of heroin, or cocaine. Wow. I’m not sure I am that bad…. or am I in denial??

Although if you read my thought process again…. I can see they are the words of the addicted.

Eeeeeeek.

~

But how to change it.

Well, I am also a big fan of baby steps. Which ultimately lead to bigger and better steps. So I will try again tomorrow, and get through day without any extra sugar items.

Then I will aim for another day, and another.

But what happens the next time I am faced with a sugar overload? Will it send me hurtling along on that train again? I dont want it to. As it is so hard to ‘wean’ myself off getting a sugar fix each day.

I have two lines of thought …… can I really escape sugar ‘forever’, never to have it again as the books suggest? Or can I manage to eat it a little bit each day, but not in large amounts. Will the little a day put me over the edge too??  Its all around us, in foods that I eat daily, in foods that friends and family serve at events {which I will never stop going to}, foods that taste good and ones I enjoy. How do I manage my sugar addiction, and carry on living a good, healthy, well balanced life?

At the moment I think I just need to work on the old ‘flexible restraint’ which is what we talk about in our WW meetings. I need to be flexible enough to allow myself to eat sugar – but restrained enough to stop myself going crazy on it.

and perhaps work on another strategy.

~~~

I have sleepy eyes now, and its 6.21am.

time to get up….

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Jane permalink
    February 27, 2012 9:31 am

    I too am addicted to Sugar Leanne, every day last week I had at least one chocolate bar, and sometimes two. When work was busy or I was tired, thats all I wanted to eat. I also like to treat the kids and buy something for them, but then I think why does a treat have to be sugar? How about I treat them with a nice bunch of grapes or strawberries or something, I’m trying to not get them to love sugar as much as I do. I hate myself once I eat one and especially hate myself when I eat two chocolate bars. Something that I can’t keep doing if I want to stay healthy, its a vicious addiciton this sugar! (Jane F)

    • February 27, 2012 10:31 am

      I think there are many addicted Jane… and yes its a vicious cycle! I try to get the kids strawbs or something too – and even if they are $$$ I know its better for them in the long run. What I dont get is why is it okay for me to do it to me… why do I think I am worth less than them???
      We keep on trying….

      • bubblymel permalink
        March 5, 2012 8:27 am

        I know you can do it! You are so strong willed when you put your mind to it! Chocolate is one of my vices, lollies not so much, interesting that the word lollies, contains the word lies! It is like we are lying to ourselves that we will only eat a small handful! I can not have chocolate here, I know it is there and I will eat it! I always feel so guilty after too!

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