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An intimate moment with my thoughts….

August 14, 2011

I am feeling lots of things tonight –

& have lots of swirling thoughts….

and I can only get them out of my head and ‘brain dumped’ here to be able to move forward {ick I hate that these two words are now so common…}

~ I have not felt in the mood all week to exercise… weird huh? I enjoy it so much once I have begun and then love it when I have finished a workout, and normally am totally cool with the often logistical nightmare of moving things around in my day to squeeze one in, or missing out on other bits and bobs to get my sweat on, or even getting up at sparrows fart to gain that smug feeling I love so much.

but this week

nothing.

I have not felt the desire, nor have had the drive.

Plans have often {& more than normal} not gone my way and I have just muttered the words ‘fuck it’ and moved on.

This is weird too – as I hate when my well planned out and super busy days do not go how I wish….

BUT – I have gone with it. I have moved on quickly and enjoyed the current thing I am up to. And I’m okay. I do feel more sluggish than I normally do, but that figures really.

My body must of needed some time out.

~ Eating this week has been haphazard and random. No tracking, no following {well made} plans or eating what I normally do.

Once again I have no idea why. It just was.

I do have this holiday coming up, and its a big one. A 14days of wearing my bathers every day kinda holiday….

but yet even the motivation of it being only 11 days away has not been enough to keep me eating to my plan.

I wonder if my brain just has too much happening and there is only room for a particular number of things going on at any one time – so now that major planning is underway for said holiday, among other ventures – the other activities need to check out for a bit??

Or is it the quiet knowledge that reaching a before mentioned goal is just not going to happen now… so why bother??

Or is it that I am beginning to wonder.. what now – is this current weight good for me? should I try to keep going? am I happy to settle at this weight? How much more can I give to lose more, and also where is this weight loss/maintaining going – to quote avenue Q ” What is my purpose”

??

Ah I have no idea – but I will work it out sometime.

Well that last sentence certainly wrapped up that little out of head intimate conversation…. aaaaand its over šŸ˜‰

Nah not over – I am just confused and worried and and and… well so really not sure.

I have been reading a few different blogs recently, and they are sweeping me along with the already happening change of thoughts. I can feel that there is something happening – like {major} change – in the depths of my head and heart – but i am just not sure what, how, when or if I could have the bravery to push out and set this change in motion. I think that I do…. I say that I do… but can I?

Totally cryptic, and quiet, & will have to stay so for some time.

But I hope to sort me out soon. For I need it. I feel that definitively.

~~~

Moving on…

How else do I put it???

I helped my dad finish the paving round the edge of their pool today. And it was good.

He only had the fiddly bits around the pool fence posts and the joins from one area to another – so there was lots of triangles, skinny bits and strange cut shapes to be achieved.

I also got my Zen on and swept the pave sand between all the large paver joins and the new little fiddly bits we did.

Much like tending to this Zen garden… I loved the organised style of sweeping sand round and filling holes. The finished product is so neat and clear.

Hmm – insight into my personality much with this post tonight…talk of logistical organisation, planning,Ā  zen sweeping, neat, hater of plans not working…

Anyway – it was a fun day, the kids played outside in the sun again,the area looks fantastic and I got to help my dad out and earn a swim in their pool this year šŸ˜‰

Eats: I started my day out with a healthy breakie of poached egg, whole grain toast and a pile of garlic mushrooms.

Lunch was a mish mash of leftover dinner party deliciousness at my parents place – and while I took small bits of each – it was all far to cream based for my poor digestion – and sat like lead in my tum all afternoon.

Dinner – was leftovers from our dinner party deliciousness from Friday. Spinach and Beef curry, saffron rice and tzatziki. And a small amount of pita crisps to gobble up dip into the last of the tzatziki.

Snacks: oranges – then cruskits & cream cheese, lollies, yo yo biscuits {all things not kept at my house…yum}

Not a stellar day of eating – but then again -meh.

~

Tomorrow I aim to go with the flow again, but try to eat less or even no sugary foods and certainly drink over 2lt of water. I have been so thirsty today!

Exercise: I want to drag my arse outta bed get up and head out early. Which means time to finish this mega post.

~~~

I look forward to what an unknown future might bring. I really want it and really, more so, need it. You know how sometimes you just know its what has to happen. Well this is it here for me…. for too long now i have been putting up with things and its time.

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