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A few days on….

October 25, 2014

A few days on and I would like to follow up……

Meggsy – the lost cat – has been found but sadly had already been dead a few days :( J buried her and he and the girls {I was at work} had a mini funeral to mark the short but very special couple-of-months-shy-of-two-years that she had been in our family. She was a ballsy cat, and would often stand in the road and do her ‘meh’ meow at us. So I guess it was inevitable that she was found near the road, among the grass.
We plan on getting another cat, after a short holiday that is coming up, and if we can plan it well – we will give a kitten for Christmas to the girls. Though this time we are planning on cat doors and a outdoor-fenced in cat run. I cannot do an animal in my house 24/7… so this time we plan on doing things a better way, and hopefully be able to love the kitty and have it in the family a lot longer.

The big feels last week – I can only put it down to a major crash in hormones, which left me sad, angry, depressed and wanting out of this life – walking out that is. I wanted to walk and walk and walk. Far away from all the troubles.  Somewhat sadly, that is not happening, for I have responsibilities and hopefully a leveling out of hormones {already on their way} and life will return the the normal I know, and I will wait for it to happen again in a few months.J was particularly worried, doing his own interwebz research on hormonal depression or something. I don’t know how to solve it, wait for my period I guess…. but I do know that I don’t have the mental energy to fight it.

The weight issues…. on going…. happily ever after. Also see above ^^ hormones I am looking at you… and sadly along with the depression is eating for me – sugar and chocolate and all the things which make you feel rotten. And bloated. And sad. And rotten. I am not in a spot to chirpily say “I will begin again, and everything will be good in a week, I will feel better….blah blah…” But I have to stop the munching for it only leads to further weight gain, that is nigh on impossible to shift.  I plan on walking tomorrow in the morning. and that is all I can promise.

The have it all family member – has given up the house by the beach due to building inspection issues. I still am firm on the family gathering nonattendance.

The assignment is now at 1100 words and I feel in a comfy spot that I still have plenty left to say – and will make the 2000 strict word limit no worries.

The placement – now on Tuesday…. 3 sleeps. I spoke to a fellow uni student who is 2 weeks through her placement and she assured me I have nothing to worry about. It will be fine. She told me of the things she has done, and I feel like I can cope with that. I hope I will!

So emotionally and mentally I am slowing feeling like I am returning to normal. Physically…. nope not yet – I ate a coleslaw the other day full of raw onions!! And oh boy did my gut swell. By the time I got to bed, my belly hurt from the bloating and my guts were in a twisted mess. I hope to try to contain my eating tomorrow a little bit more and take some baby steps out of this mess.

Night.

Cranky, Ranty and dumpy…

October 23, 2014

I left this overnight. To see if the dawn bought re-newed thoughts of love for myself. Nope. I also left it as I rarely say much about others. But in this one I have. I feel scared to put it “out there”, but then I think – Fuck it. I hate that I am scared of speaking out. I hate others that are afraid to speak out. It’s out there now…. and yes I still feel this way and that is okay.

3 new dwarfs? Nope just me. Plain old me.

Feeling the big feels today, yesterday and yesterday’s yesterday.

I hope it is just all pre-menstural. I hope that it is hormonal. Cos if it is not, then I am in trouble.

I am just gonna let this pour out, no clever spacing, no adjusting… I have it all swirling round my head and it needs dumping.

I feel like I am in a swirling pit of sameness. The sameness of movement, eating, watchfulness, carefulness and nothing occurring. No slimming, no loss, no feeling ‘better’, no body change – only gain. I continue to gain a little each month. Adding up to almost 6kg gained this year. Even though I have a full tracker on My Fitness Pal. Logged in days and days and days. Attention to what I eat, drink, do, steps, calories, movement, activity, exercise, gym classes. And all for abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
I bent over to clean the mirror at work yesterday, and looking back at me was a blob, in a once-thought-of-looks-nice green top, and a red face from the instant blood rush. Every bit of fat felt like it was falling toward the floor and would drag me with it. I had been to the gym yesterday morning, without time for a class, or enthusiasm to do much – but I walked fast and up and down hills for an hour. Burning good cals. I had a breakie of oats and yogurt, a smoothie after the gym, boiled eggs & roasted chicken breast and veggie sticks for lunch. Good food.
AND I still felt like a lumpy dumpy fat girl. Just like I used to look before I even began losing the baby weight I had gained when pregnant with my first {I had gained 35kg….77pounds}. I looked again like a picture of me blowing out some birthday candles when my now 10yr old was 9 months old. Big, round shouldered, heavy. A picture I used to use as my ‘before’ picture. Now it’s ‘my everyday’ picture.
Yesterdays day of good food is not my only one. Its my everyday. I avoid all sorts of things due to bloating, heartburn and overweightness. I watch others eat the food my body cannot tolerate, I am careful with making sure my day is full of veggies,fruits, water, protein etc etc etc etc etc etc…………………………… and still after months of watching/calculating/tracking….. nothing. I am still bigger then I began.
I draw up a plan. I put in rewards, I write it all out. and still nothing. just large and round and uncomfortable and and and.
I don’t weigh myself daily, but think about measurement in terms of looser clothing. Nothing. Still tight. When I do weigh, the scales go up in 300-400g at a time. I think, dodgy scales. And don’t get on them again for a few weeks. When I do though, its up another few hundred grams.
I am ready to throw in the towel. Succumb to a life of bigness. Bloating and heartburn – I will just take the tablets and ‘move on with my life’ like one Dr. told me. I am over it. It takes up too much time, too much worry, too much of me. And I still never get anywhere

I know someone who eats no veggies. No greens, no reds, no yellows, nothing. Meat and potato. Potato and meat. Will pick the veggies out of a pasta sauce and leave them at the bottom of the bowl. No water is drunk, No exercise done, No health considered.  I watch her eat, and am amazed. At how much bigger I am than her. I get different genes. I get all that. But still – my body doubles {triples?} her’s. HOW.

HOWHOWHOWHOWHOW?

I have a husband who’s working hours have always dictated my day. Cheffing and policing. Overtime, running late, shift work, night shift. And therefore due to working hours I struggle to get to the gym in the AM {my favourite and most effective time}. I am cranky that this is still what I need to put up with. I thought we had this sorted. New job, better hours. Reality hit this week. Overtime, night shift and hormones {?}. BAM.  Slammed me into a wall of hatred.

I have a bad case of thrush. Should it make me feel irritable and cranky? Who knows, but it has, it does. And I am still crushed up against that wall of hatred.

I have a family member who seems to have it all. Even the babysitting rights of grandparents, who come at the hours decreed so that a gym session is never missed, so that dinner is cooked, kids fed and bathed and ready for bed. Who leave 12 hours after they arrived. A swanky new home by the sea. A life of ease. Bitter?  Me? Yes. I am. So bitter, that family events for me are done. I will make my excuses. I cannot be there.

I have a degree 3/4 done. One that a few people have commented to others {it always gets back…} that they are worried I am not ‘cut out‘ for the job. One that I doubt myself that I am cut out for. How will I fit in at the workplace. How will I cope with the students.How will I do all the things that need to be done, attended to, attentive to needs and levels.

I have an assignment to write. One I have no idea what to do. I have to write it in the next few days. I am procrastinating. I have no love for assignment writing anymore. I am losing interest in all the academic crap.

I have a four week placement beginning on Tuesday. At a high school. In a rough area. Again the questions come at me. Will I cope, with not only the hours I need to be there, with my family at home, with the shopping, washing, living, exercise, food, carefulness, tracking, preparing, cleaning, school drop off, the drive out there, the lesson plans, the finding out if this is actually what I want to do for work. The finding out if I have wasted the last two years writing all that academic crap. The proof to the person that they are right, that I am not right for this job. That I will not live up to standards. That I am a failure at this degree much like my last one. And a failure at my pastry career. A wanderer who can’t keep at anything longer than a short while. A fucked up failure at…. at… most things.

And if I hate this potential job, have to pull out of this degree…. What then? An abyss. Of nothing. No babies to watch, no real need to stay at home, no “real” job, no skill at anything much, pity from all those I talk to about it. Certain people smug with the knowledge that they were right. Watching others extend their lives, move on, go on trips, buy things. Are happy.

And me. Just a cranky, ranty, dumpy……… and bitter person.

New hair

October 16, 2014
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We are still missing our kitty cat – meggsy :( That lead I spoke about in the last post, well the cat we went to look at was so incredibly like her {maybe an Uncle or her dad??} that I was sure it was her when I saw her from across the road. Then when we got up close, the cats face was definitely different, more masculine, and the body was larger. Definitely not our cat. So now we just keep checking FB sites and called rescue places in hope…..

Uni  – I have just enrolled this morning for 2015’s subjects – only 4… and only doing one at time. It will be nice! I don’t begin now until Feb 11th next year, so once this placement is over on Nov 21st I will have 2.5 months off. So looking forward to it.
I only have 6 subjects left and I feel it – I am over writing academic words.

I had hair cut yesterday – as per usual I leave my hair to grow out way past it’s time-for-cutting date, and then the colour also look shit – so when I go in to hairdresser I normally feel so bloody awful and daggy that I go to extremes for the colour/cut……. and just say to the hairdresser – go your hardest. Meaning then, I never know what I will come out looking like. But then again, eh, it’s only hair and it will grow back think  and heavy like it normally does.

Eg: new colour and cut….

Lucy and I

From this….

new hair15.10.14

To this…

It is rather different…..

But I like it. It’s light in colour, and light in weight {I have thick hair and the hairdresser always has a great time with those thinning scissors!}

I am writing a Uni assignment today – so I had better get off here and begin.

Missing. Health. Uni. Ramble. Unload.

October 14, 2014

We have a missing kitty cat. :( And while I am not a huge animal fan, I have gotten used to her presence around the place. Her pitiful ‘mow’ when she is not able to get into a room/on a bed/out the back door fast! enough! We had an exciting lead this afternoon on ‘Lost pets of South Australia’ – with a cat sighting that looks remarkably like her….but according to the finders it was a male cat, and we have a female. Our cat is a ginger- called Meggsy {pretty original huh} and is a rarity to be ginger and female.

4.1

Meggsy as a kitten.

IMG_1553

Full grown fluffy cat

The only other real issue that makes up think it is not our cat is that this cat has been sighted 14km’s away, up in the foothills above Adelaide – not sure how our cat could have gotten up there??!!?? Anyway – we have two very unhappy children who are missing their Meggsy. I hope she comes home soon.

~~~

Life has settled back into what I call normal… me working 2.5 days a week and spending the rest of the week looking after my family, the house, and myself! It feels good and the family are happy – and so am I. Loving it!

Now that I have this time I have been able to get into a routine of exercise and have begun to look forward to it each day. I am walking, going to the gym, gardening and have even been for a bike ride!
This Lea is much nicer to be around – I like her, she can stay as long as she wants…lol.
Body-wise {and my shitty digestive system} – while I am moving more I still have yet to lose any weight, but meh to that. I feel better, I am happier and can feel my fitness improving. Which after all is all I wish for. I have settled into the fact that this is my body/life – shitty digestion and all – and I can only do what I can.
On our bike ride the other day I was discussing with J the next few years regarding Uni and timetables, and what I wanted and what others were expecting of me, and the outcomes for jobs and for me of this degree. It was a good chat and I feel good for finally verbalising what I really feel – and have it validated that it is okay to feel this way.

You see, my Uni degree is not only for me to secure employment. Nuh-uh. Years ago in the beginning of 2010 {5 freaking years!!} when I first began studying at Uni – it was about finally, finally! being able to do something for me that was not baby related, or little kid related, or that revolved around my husbands job/hours – but was to enable me to head out in the world and not only meet new people, but to do something new and exciting and prove to the world {me, my dad, the ugly butt-head who almost ruined my family} that I was someone. Someone who could do this stuff, who had a brain {which I just typed wrong 3 times……sigh} and not just be a mum. So I began that degree and found that I hated one subject – chemistry – so very much that I gave the whole thing up. Then when I began this next degree, I thought that I wanted to do it just for working and a job and a career. But as time goes on I am finding that it is really (for me) more about the getting to the end, or the journey if you will, than the job.

I like my life/work/uni balance that I have right now, just enough of each, keeping me interested, active, cashed up, out in the community, working my brain, meeting people and happy – its right for me, the kids and my husband and I hope I can continue to keep it just so.
So in saying that the next few years for me in regards to Uni will be a LOT slower. I only have 6 subjects left, and while some would say just do them and get it over with…. nope, I aim to get them done in 2 years (4 in 2015, and 2 in 2016), and at the same time will enjoy being with my children as they grow into tweens and progress towards high school; spend time with J and allow his new career to grow; and for me to have time to keep fit and active.
You see, getting a teaching job is not the most important thing on my life’s list…it’s up there {actually not as high as that either :) }... but at this time in our lives it’s lower than the kids and J {and me} – and really they are most important to me.
And fuck me that is so good to say.
It is not something I feel I can say to many people – it either disappoints them, or makes them tell me {or have that look}  that I am not cut out for teaching if I don’t have a burning desire to get out there and teach, and change, and be empowering.

but I am okay with only telling those that count…. like you 3 still reading this almost-dead-but-back-from-the-grave blog.

So in saying all that I hope then that I will be graduating in early 2017 {and hopefully dodge the masters degree that is being reported to be coming shortly to Australian teachers}.

It’s good to have it out there, verbalised and validated that what I am doing is okay. I will not burn at the stake for feeling these things. I just won’t mention to those die hards at Uni……….. there are a few.

~~~

Anyway, this ramble got longer than I anticipated. And its late.
And that cat sighting lead has gotten hot again.
We are heading up there in the morning to double check that it is not our cat, as it looks so damn like her – see….

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This is the cat that has been found…..

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This is the picture we put on the site….

See how close they look….I know if we don’t go and check it with our own eyes we will forever wonder and fret that we didn’t try harder….

I will keep you posted…..

Small or Monumental?

September 18, 2014

Yesterday began well, I had a banana smoothie for breakfast and resisted temptation when out with other Uni students when they were buying lunch – choosing to eat my corn couscous and chicken salad that I had per-prepared. I snacked on some rice snacks, strawberries and a homemade raspberry wheat free muffin, and I felt GOOD on the bus home.

And then I got home.

Where on opening the pantry the last 6 squares of a block of chocolate jumped out and yelled eat me, and a container with a few Liquorice allsorts in it.. and then we went to the pub for tea – Jon had a chicken scallopine and I had the S&P squid… which we swapped at half time. Delicious. But I ended the day less positive than I began it.

Suffice to say, I am ‘feeling’ that food today – You are what you eat. Bleugh.

So today I am again starting out well, GF/Wheat free cereal, lactose free yogurt and milk and strawberries. I plan to have an egg sandwich later on, and the girls have requested a picnic in the park dinner {Spring is HERE!!!!} – chicken and salad. And I plan on ending the day as well I have begun.

A small step or a monumental one? Both I think.

Love life

September 16, 2014

Time has moved on, as I knew it would, and my commitment level has dropped off. I have far more free time than I have had for a while and I am loving it already. Tonight I even managed to go for a WALK!

The Guide Gang Show finished with great success, and while I hated being ‘trapped’ some of the weeks, in the end I really enjoyed being part of the gang and being able to ‘give back’ to a great group of young girls/woman. Volunteering is so worth while.

Uni is slowing right down –  it is Week 8 of this semester. I had an assignment due today {passed with another D+ yah!} and two more question/answer activities in another subject to finish off before the end of next week {I have allocated this Thursday to get them done} and have three more lectures to attend at a TAFE. Then all I have left is a 4 week placement {October – November} and an assignment due on November 26th. Easy.

Work has changed too as the lady that works with mum and I is back from her trip to Europe and is back to work all day Wednesday’s and the evenings on Thursday. So I will have much more time to be with my family and exercise… but I will be a little poorer due to less working hours :( but I am much happier with the alternative.

Tomorrow evening I plan on walking again – just an easy 30 mins, and on Thursday I finally have time to go to the gym again! I know, I have paid each week and never attended – which is an ultimate hate of mine. But I was so trapped in what i was doing, there just seemed no time to get there.

Also what sucks is that I am so very unfit now, which is a gross feeling. It’s hard to get up off the floor, climbing steps makes me puffed out and embarrassed and I have a ‘ball’ again in my gut making it hard to do up shoes.
My diet has taken a turn for the worst too – starting work at 9am, finishing at 5:30pm, going straight to the theatre for 6pm and getting home at 11pm…..6 days of last week…. certainly took its toll.
I need to eat better food and drink much more water.
And I plan to do just that tomorrow. I would like to hope that I do not get that busy again {although it may well happen} but I am going to work on saying no to stuff, as my health and fitness is a high priority to me and I can’t keep doing this. I am getting larger and larger each time and it cuts deep to see and feel it happening.

Time to begin to enjoy being me again, enjoy time with my kids and husband and getting back to a life I love!

Day off wtih a Migraine = suckful.

September 16, 2014

I wrote this on August 22nd……

A day off and I have a bit of free time to write again.
This morning I woke with a migraine. Not a thumping one felt when I gained consciousness, but my other style of migraine {how lucky to have two different ones….:/ } as I stumbled to the bathroom I noticed that my vision was weird and a few seconds later registered that my flashy black and white aura had made itself at home.

My aura’s look like this around the edge of my eyes and go in about half way of my vision – very distracting and unnerving. I hopped back into bed with an ice pack on my neck, a eye mask to dull the light and a coupe of neurofen.

On waking an hour later and stumbling around to get the kids sorted for school I noticed the glorious day outside and knew in an instant that I had to be out in it, walk in it, be feeling it and breathing it in.

The season is in change – and that makes me so very very happy.

So I decided to walk for an hour. I don’t have much time these days for long walks, but today, I made time. And it was lovely, therapeutic and amazingly glorious.
I have been so super busy that I had momentarily forgotten how much I love walking – with a warm sun on me. I still felt rotten, but the day was too nice to let a pesky migraine get the better of me.

 

 

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